Tucker Max

Tucker Max is Fuck n Funny!

We really mean it. He has a new move that is being released this week, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.

His book by the same name has been a best seller for three years now! Max is laugh out loud fuck n funny, piss your pants fuck n funny. He gets it. A lot.

Give us your opinion on our video's. To quote his website TuckerMax.com , " If you live outside the US and are desperate to see the movie and can’t find the release date in your country, then just pirate the movie and watch it online. I am serious. I have no issue with that."...Tucker Max, now he's fuck n funny.

Good Date Manners

>During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to
> teach good manners,  asked her students the following
> question:
>
> 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice
> young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the
>  bathroom?'
>
> Michael  said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
> The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and
> impolite.'
>
> 'What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'
>
> Sherman said, 'I am sorry ,but I really  need to go to

  the bathroom. I'll be right  back..'


> 'That's  better, but it's still not very nice to
> say the word bathroom at  the dinner table.'
>
> 'And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain
> for once and show us your good manners?'
>
> 'I  would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for

   a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear

  friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you to after
>dinner.''
>
> The teacher fainted.

The Good Hearted Lawyer

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate...

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turningto the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.“

"You’ll really love my place.

"The grass is almost a foot high.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi

The Pope and Speaker Of The House Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.



 
The Madame Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
 
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.
 
Gradually,the cheering subsides. 
 
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance,considers what he could do..
  
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." 
 
The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
 
So the Pope slapped her.

Husband Down

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.  The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'Its my face cream.  It makes me look beautiful,'  replies the wife..

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price..'

On the PA system: 
"Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

Parking Ticket

 
I went to the store the other day,
and I was in there for only 
about five minutes, when I came out there was a motorcycle
cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said,

"Come on, buddy, how About giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called
him a pencil-necked Nazi. He glared at me and started
writing another ticket for having worn tires! So I called
him a piece of horse poop. 

 He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield
with 
the first. 

Then he started writing a third ticket! 

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,
the 
more tickets he wrote. 

I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

We hope you enjoyed this story as much as we did...

Drinks and what they say about us...

Drinks That Reflect Personality 

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City  bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: 


PART A: WOMEN - DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU! 

Drink: Beer 
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. 

Drink: Blender Drinks 
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.  

Drink: Mixed Drinks 
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. 
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink......

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel) 
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with her and her friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel 
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue. 
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is..this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots 
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait. But, be careful not to make her mad! 

Drink: Tequila 
No explanations required - everyone KNOWS what happens there. 

PART B: MAN - DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE! 

THEN, there is the MALE addendum -- The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. 

Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid. 

Tequila: He's thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay 

NASA, Our Constitution and The Ten Commandments

(1) Zero Gravity
When NASA started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside-down, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes are due again--enjoy paying them.

(2)Our Constitution
'They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.'

(3) Ten Commandments
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse, is that you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians!

It creates a hostile work environment.
 

Squirrel Problem

> Now I don't care who you are, this is funny!
>
>
> There were five houses of religion in a small Texas town:
>
> The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church , the
> Catholic Church,
>
>

> the Jewish Synagogue.
>
>
>
> Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.
>
>
>
> One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do
> about the squirrels.. After much prayer and consideration they
> determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they
> shouldn't interfere with God's divine will..
>
>
> In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the
> baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the
> baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow
> and there were twice as ma
> ny there the next week
>
> The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a
> position to harm any of God's creation . So, they humanely trapped the
> Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days
> later, the squirrels were back.
>
>
>
> But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective
> solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members
> of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday,
> Palm Sunday and Easter.
>
>
>
>
>
> Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one
> squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they
> haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
>

A Satisfied Tax Payer

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my
2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper,
dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department
of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid
$600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and
six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as
noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch
Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today
newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inch
Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.

To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpaye

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who is blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of good GOD are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out." Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)





        


 
She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark 

Two Women talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd
you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I
quit shaking from the 
cold,
I began to get warm & sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful 
death.
What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart
attack. I suspected 
that my
husband was cheating, so I came home early to
catch him 
in the
act But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den
watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another
woman 
there somewhere that I started running all
over the 
house looking.

I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the 
basement.
Then I went through every closet and checked
under all 
the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally
I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a
heart attack 
and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in
the freezer---
we'd both
still be alive.

PRICELESS!

Bubba

Bubba Had Shingles Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office
should appreciate this!  Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line?  Here's what happened to
Bubba:



Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he
had.  Bubba said: 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his name, address, medical
insurance number and told him to have a seat.



Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.



A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said,
'Shingles.'  So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an
electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for
the doctor.



An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the
nude and asked Bubba what he had.  Bubba said, 'Shingles.'  The doctor
asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck.  Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

Only in Texas

  
      

  
Only in  Texas my friends... Only in  Texas ..... Too bad...... 

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.   He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from  San Francisco  and is certain that he has a better education then any cop from  Houston ,  Texas .  He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the  Texas deputy's expense. 

The deputy says,' License and registration, please.' 

'What for?' says the lawyer. 

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' 

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.' 

'You still didn't come to a complete stop, Say's the deputy. License and registration, please.' 

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' 

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law  License and registration, please!' the Deputy says. 

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' 

'That sounds fair.  Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says. 

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the daylights out of the lawyer and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

Nancy Pelosi a Saint?

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, DC, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
 
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
 
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there
are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

 

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look.  I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

 

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
 
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person.  Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.  Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
 
Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people.  She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted."
 
The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Oh Nancy...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces.
 
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
 
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure
 while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
 
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a
 thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died
 of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
 
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
 
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy
 Pelosi, Speaker
 of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "
 
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector..
 
"Thought she was having her picture taken.."

Where are they??

A  Russian man arrives in New York  City as a new immigrant to the United States .  He stops the first person he sees walking down the  street  and says,  "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into  this  country, giving me housing,  food stamps, free medical  care, and  a free education!" 

The  passerby  says, "You are mistaken, I am a  Mexican."

The  man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you  for  having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The  person  says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The  new arrival walks farther, and the next person  he sees he  stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"

That  person  puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle  East .  I  am not American." 

He  finally sees a  nice lady and asks, "Are you an  American?"

She  says, "No, I am from Africa ..."

Puzzled,  he  asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" 

The African  lady checks her watch and says,  "Probably at  work."

Wisdom from Larry the Cable guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets The cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we
would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why
some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might
burn your ass tomorrow.