Nancy Pelosi a Saint?

On a Saturday afternoon in Washington, DC, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's aide visited the Cardinal of the Catholic cathedral.
 
He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day's sermon, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.
 
The Cardinal replied, "No. I don't really like the woman, and there
are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi's views."

 

Pelosi's aide then said, "Look.  I'll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you'll just tell the
congregation you see Pelosi as a saint."
 
The Cardinal thought about it and said, "Well, the church can use the money, so I'll work your request into tomorrow's sermon."

 

As Pelosi's aide promised, House Speaker Pelosi appeared for the Sunday sermon and seated herself prominently at the edge of the main aisle. And, during the sermon, as promised, the Cardinal pointed out that House Speaker Pelosi was present.
 
Then the Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation -- "While Speaker Pelosi's presence is probably an honor to some, she is not my favorite person.  Some of her views are contrary to those of the church, and she tends to flip-flop on many other views.  Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker, and a nit-wit.  Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief.
 
Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using it to lie to the American people.  She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California . She simply is not to be trusted."
 
The Cardinal completed his view of Pelosi with, "But, when compared to Senators Ted Kennedy, Harry Reid, and John Kerry, House Speaker Pelosi is a saint."

Oh Nancy...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles
on their faces.
 
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
 
The Coroner tells the Inspector:
"First body is a 72 year old Frenchman. He died of heart failure
 while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile."
 
"The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age. He won a
 thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky. Died
 of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
 
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
 
"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Nancy
 Pelosi, Speaker
 of the House, 66, struck by lightning. "
 
"Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector..
 
"Thought she was having her picture taken.."

Where are they??

A  Russian man arrives in New York  City as a new immigrant to the United States .  He stops the first person he sees walking down the  street  and says,  "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into  this  country, giving me housing,  food stamps, free medical  care, and  a free education!" 

The  passerby  says, "You are mistaken, I am a  Mexican."

The  man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you  for  having such a beautiful country here in America ."

The  person  says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The  new arrival walks farther, and the next person  he sees he  stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !"

That  person  puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle  East .  I  am not American." 

He  finally sees a  nice lady and asks, "Are you an  American?"

She  says, "No, I am from Africa ..."

Puzzled,  he  asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" 

The African  lady checks her watch and says,  "Probably at  work."

Wisdom from Larry the Cable guy

1. A day without sunshine is like night.
 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below
average.
6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second
mouse gets The cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad
memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise
my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the
wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays
off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without
sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death,
twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person
wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we
would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound.. That's why
some people appear bright until you hear them
speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . . . it's more
like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might
burn your ass tomorrow.